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The CULT of Doyle Davidson-EXPOSED
Deuteronomy 18:22- when a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the thing does not happen or come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord has not spoken; the prophet has spoken presumptuously; you shall not be afraid of him.
The CULT of Doyle Davidson-EXPOSED 
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KSD has been somewhat NOT “forthcoming” about the specifics of those “HEALINGS” she assures the donors do happen at her South Bend meetings, so we present this as documentary proof (“It’s all documented.”) of a WOL CULT SB meeting in which one of “Gawd’s Most Pernicious Curses” is “dealt with”.
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OK. To be HONEST, we don’t KNOW that ANYTHING like what we are about to describe actually took place, but a lack of fact never stopped Doyle (or KSD) and so we are simply holding ourselves to the same “high standards in teaching”.
And so, with this ‘inspiration’, we began to write…………………
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Me and My Hemorrhoids
The Concubine/High Priestess of WOL CULT told the assembled multitude: “Take your finger off the repress button.”
Everybody was supposed to let go, let all the vile stuff come up and gush out. The hotel even provided vomit bags, like the ones on a a corporate rented jet, in case you literally let it gush out!
Then the Concubine told everybody to think of “the one thing you would most like to eliminate from your life.” And what was the consensus request?
And what does our girl blurt over the microphone?
“Hemorrhoids!”
And that was how she ended up in her disheveled state … stretched out on the wall-to-wall carpet of the meeting room with her eyes closed and her face pressed into the stubble of the carpet, (which is a thick commercial weave and feels like clothes-brush bristles against her face. )
She begins to feel a bit high from inhaling the fumes of the residual cleaning solvent and that was how she ended up lying here concentrating on her hemorrhoids.
Eyes shut! Deep in her own space! Her hemorrhoids! The grisly peanut—
Many others are stretched out on the carpet all around her; some 2000 other souls, in fact. Well, that may be a bit of an inflated crowd size estimate.
Nevertheless, they’re all strewn across the floor of the WOL CULT Annex with their eyes closed, just as hers are.
But crap on a cracker, the others are concentrating on things that sound serious and deep when you talk about them.
And how they had talked about them! They had all marched right up to the microphone and “shared,” as the Prophetess called it. What did they want to eliminate from their lives? Why, they took their fingers right off the old repress button and told the whole room.
My husband! my waf! my homosexual ‘tendencies’. Her homosexual desires. My inability to communicate, my self-hatred, my hatred of others, my hatred of all things DIFFERENT THAN ME, self-destructiveness, craven fears, puling weaknesses, primordial horrors, premature ejaculation, inability to ejaculate, impotence, frigidity, rigidity, my addiction to sex toys and pirn, arrogance, subservience, laziness, alcoholism, major vices, minor vices, grim habits, twisted psyches, tortured souls…….
—and then it had been her turn, and she had said——-
“Hemorrhoids”.
You can imagine what that sounded like. That broke the place up.
The teacher looked like a cocky little witch up there on the podium with her deep tan, her slightly suggestive white but matronly farmer’s waf skirt (white being the universal sign for PURITY) , and peach-colored sweater, a dynamite color combination.
It was all carefully chosen to appear very casual and spontaneous.
(“Oh, this old thing. I just threw it on. I hardly think about it. “Gawd” provides my wardrobe.”)
But this was after about two hours of trying on different outfits in front of a mirror. A studied mixture of casual and spontaneous with careful choices sure to “look good” on your computer monitor.
Yet there were those who found her mildly attractive. Well, not really—REAALLY—attractive—but not completely repulsive to the over-80 crowd either.
More like Joyce Meyer than she wanted to admit.
“Commanding” was the look she was going for.
“Authoritative”.
(What came across, however, was “argumentative” and “bossy”. But we digress.)
There were those who wondered if she were playing the wiseacre, with the testimony about “hemorrhoids,” but , being a “pro”, she rolled with it.
Maybe she was being playful. Maybe just looking at Doyle made her feel mischievous. In any event, “hemorrhoids” was what had bubbled up into her brain. Attribute it to the “Holy Spirt” , if you must, but we suspect something a bit less “ethereal”.
Things started to go sideways after the Prophetess told the throng to stack their folding chairs in the back of the room and lie down on the floor and close their eyes and get deep into their own spaces and concentrate on that one item they wanted to get rid of the most—and really FEEL it and let the feeling gush out.
You see, WOL CULT isn’t COMPLETELY about “getting stuff”. Sometimes it’s about GETTING RID OF THE BAGGAGE.
And that’s how she ended up lying there concentrating on her hemorrhoids.
The strange thing is … it’s no joke.
She begins to feel her hemorrhoids in all their morbid presence. She could actually feel them.
The war always began with her having a sensation like it was caused by a peanut caught in her anal sphincter.
That really meant a section of swollen varicose vein had pushed its way out of her intestines and was actually coming out of her bottom. It was as hard as a peanut but felt bigger and grislier than a peanut.
And there it was.
The unspoken had finally been spoken,
In her daily life, even at work—-especially at work—– as the Leader and Founder of a major albeit derivative ‘ministry’, her whole picture of herself was of her …quite seductive physical presence.
She may not have been the most successful businesswoman in Plan-oh , but —in the days in which everyone didn’t have a computer printer—– her ‘business’ making signs for grocery store was successful enough.
TAKE A LOOK AT ME NOW.
Her faith had led her to a ‘highly lucrative’ business that landed her firmly in a ‘career’ that gave her—-at least—-minimum wage.
In addition to that, she was … the main sexual presence in the sanctuary—-a presence that only got stronger when the Mai Girls bailed and T-Bone had been relegated to the back pew.
When she walked into the office each morning, everyone, the women as well as the men ( such as they were), checked her out. She knew that.
She could feel her sexual presence go through the place like an invisible chemical, like a hormone, a scent, a universal solvent, a dose of Epson salts.
The most beautiful moments came when she would be in her office praying or painting her toenails and was summoned by Apostle Doyle to a “meeting”.
Two or three of the other Apostles ——always men—-would also be required to attend But she felt in her bony bones that SHE had the eye and ear of the Big Guy, the main Apostle, “Gawd’s Man on Earth.
The overt subject was, inevitably, eternally, “the exhortation.” that she would “spontaneously” deliver on the next show. She always FELT there should be only one credit line up on the screen for every webcast. “Exhortation by… .”
For KSD, the show —-which always boiled down to whatever was going through the Apostle’s mind at the moment—— would also have a subplot.
KSD’s part of the show always had TWO PARTS.
The overt plot would be “The Message—the “exhortation” ——- BUT the subplot would be “The Men Who Get Turned On by Me.”
Pretty soon, even though the conversation had not strayed overtly from “The Exhortation,” the men in the blue chairs (and those in their recliners at home during the Zoom shows) would be swaying in unison like dune grass at the beach.
And she was the wind, of course. And a “mighty wind” at that. (Hat tip to Mel Tari.)
In her mind’s eye, she would IMAGINE that she heard one of the men say something and smile and at the same time reach over and touch her … on top of the hand or on the side of the arm or her shapely buttock … as if it meant nothing … as if it were just a gesture for emphasis.
The fact is—-and KSD was firmly in tune with “the facts” for she had been taught by Doyle who had been taught by “Jeez” ——KSSD knew that a man is usually deathly afraid of reaching out and touching a woman. (especially one like her)
This be because woman who has real “power” is intimidating (and also if the “man” has had his testosterone ripped out of him the way Doyle would, in the old days, castrate a hawg.
It’s an even greater fear when the woman is known to be “tight with Gawd”.
Touching another person—-even fleetingly and even if the intent was only to comfort—- is strongly discouraged at WOL CULT simply because that is how devils and demons are transmitted among people. The Covid variants are almost impossible to transmit compared to the old goblins that home in —like a laser—on the nether regions. Like the third rail in a subway system: Touch one and die.
Who knows what sort of Demonic Hellhounds would be unleashed at WOL CULT if it were known KSD—-the Prophetess/Concubine ——-was regularly thinking about her anal regions? This might lead to the application of the dreaded , but soothing, medicated pad.
And so, there would come that inevitable moment in which that g*****m peanut would be popping out of her tailpipe.
It was a CURSE and you ignert people needed to KNOW that.
As she smiled at those who hung on her every word, sigh or grimace, she also had to sit in her chair lopsided, with one cheek of her shapely buttocks higher than the other, as if she were about to capsize—— because it hurt to sit squarely on the peanut.
If for any reason she had to stand up at that point and walk——-or, Gawd forbit, DANCE——–she would have to walk as if her hip joints were rusted out, as if she were 85 years old, because a normal stride pressed the peanut, and the pain would start up.
That was not to mention the bleeding—-oh, the blood, the blood, the blood.
It was like her own personal stigmata—-a sure sign that she was ‘chosen’, special. (“It may be an honor, but I’d just as soon do without it.”)
Her suffering was of a kind that Jeez himself suffered from during the scourging. It was as if she herself was being whipped and lashed “down there”. Even considering the “glowry” of the suffering, most times it hardly seemed worth it.
And it would get even worse—if one could imagine it. If she couldn’t get up and shift around, and had to sit there for a while, she had to keep her thin smile and her hot hormonally-challenged squinted eyes pinned on the congregation before her.
It was then that Satan would cause the peanut to start itching and burning, and she would start double-tracking, as if her mind were one of Kaspareit’s old recorder decks with two channels going at once.
In one, she’s the sexual princess, the Circe the slut, ,the Jezebel clouding men’s minds with lascivious thoughts … and in the other she’s a poor suffering servant who wants nothing more in this world than to go down the corridor to the ladies’ room, take some of Doyle’s Kleenexes, scoop up some Vaseline and push the peanut back up into her intestines with her finger.
And even if she was able to get away and do that, she would ruminate on this a painfully long time.
She knew from past battles with this accursed demon, she would spend the rest of that day and the next, and the next, with a deep worry in the back of her brain, the sort of worry that always stays on the edge of your consciousness, no matter how hard you think of something else.
Rectal ‘probing” was SINFUL, even if you were “on fire for Gawd”.
She would be wondering at all times what the next bowel movement will be like (a scream?) , how solid and compact the bolus will be. She would try to think back and remember if she’d had any milk, cream, chocolate, or any other binding substance in the last 24 hours, or any nuts or fibrous vegetables like broccoli.
Perhaps she’d accepted the Apostle’s invite to share with him his usual cracker and cheese plate. Cheese—-even a benign American Cheddar—-has been known to trigger a fatal heart attack. And, OMG, the Agony if she’d been tempted by the POPCORN.
(The “old maids”—the unpopped kernels—-would kill a weaker person on the spot. )
If she’d succumbed to that temptation (popcorn, even the tasty buttered variety) , she’d really be in for it this time.
After all, as a Prophetess and Concubine, there was a IMAGE TO UPHOLD.
On the outside she put on her fireproof grin and her Macy’s scarf as if to say she lived in a world replete with the rewards of a frequent shopper at Saks Fifth Avenue, but was ‘dressing down’ so as not to seem superior to the “average” Woller wimmen who had to shop at Good-Will -type stores because they’d given the lion’s share of their Social Security checks to “Gawd” via Doyle.
But these concerns did not concern her NOW.
For NOW, inside her it was all the battle between the exquisitely sensitive nerve endings in the area of her body that must not be named (lest Doyle be ‘triggered’) and the peanut.
It would be a real world manifestation of……………………..
THE BATTLE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL.
Clearly she would have to address this battle in a future exhortation.
After the meeting started, it would be too late to leave the sanctuary and go get some mineral oil and let some of that vile glop roll down her gullet or get a refill on the softener tablets.
What? Rely on some wicked Pharmaciea to ‘deliver her’ from the pain?
No one could ever know that she had failed to live up to Doyle’s ‘theology’.
Note to Self: Eat some prunes or other veggies or drink more water or do something else to avoid one of those horrible hard-clay boluses that would come grinding out of her, crushing the peanut and starting not only the bleeding but … the pain! … a horrible HUMILIATING PAIN that feels like she was getting a paper cut in her anus, like the pain you feel when the edge of a piece of bond paper slices your finger, the pain you would feel if you were passing a twisted sardine can lid, plus a horrible hellish purple bloody varicose pressure, but lasting not for an instant, like a paper cut, but for an ETERNITY , prolonged until the tears are rolling down her face as she sits in her designated armchair.
——-Tears originating NOT in religious ecstasy and a flood of feelings of love for Gawd/Doyle but in response to the PAINFUL CURSE she was now expected to silently ENDURE on behalf of the sinners who did not KNOW how she was suffering FOR THEM.
She wanted to cry out, to scream until it’s over, to make the screams of fear, fury, and humiliation obliterate the pain. But someone would hear! No doubt they’d come bursting out of their chairs and galloping down the hallway to save her!
She would be damned if she’d feed their morbid curiosities! And what could she possibly say what was really happening. Her “Truth”, as it were.
So she had simply held that feeling in all these years, with her eyes on fire and her entire pelvic saddle a great purple tub of pain. She had repressed the whole squalid horror of it—the searing peanut—
—until now.
Finally, she’d had the RELEVATION. “Take your finger off the repress button!” Let it gush up and pour out!
Then as she lay there on the floor of the motel sanctuary, the CULT SHACK NORTH, South Bend— with 2000+ (?) other souls, she knew exactly what her ex-husband meant when he spoke of “the Tribulation”.
She could feel it all, all of the pain, and on top of the pain, all the humiliation.
Regular folks will never know the profound embarrassment of having an Apostle & Prophet of the Lord Jeez Chris preach to the WORLD —in detail—about of the state of your anus.
Nevertheless, there is a lesson here to be learned and considered.
Visualize in your mind, if you will, the following:
For the first time in her life she had permission from the Management, from herself, and from everyone around her to let the feeling gush forth.
So she starts moaning.
“Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!”
And when she began to moan, the most incredible and exhilarating thing began to happen. A wave of moans spread through the people lying around her, as if her energy were radiating out like a radar pulse.
“Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!”
So she let her moan rise into a keening sound.
“Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
And when she begins to keen, the souls near her begin keening, even while the moans are still spreading to the prostrate folks farther from her, on the edges of the room.
“Eeeeeeeeeooooooohhhhhhhhheeeeeooooooooh!”
So she lets her keening sound rise up into a real scream.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiai!”
And this rolls out in a wave, too, first through those near her, and then toward the far edges.
“Aiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaieeeeeeeeeeeeeeohhhhhhhhhheeeeeeaiaiai!”
And so she turns it all the way up, into a scream such as she has never allowed herself in her entire life.
“AiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaaaaAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!”
And her full scream spreads from soul to soul, over top of the keens and fading moans .
“AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHaiaiaiaieeeeeeeeeooooohhheeeeaiaiaiaiaiaiaaaaAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!”
…until at last the entire room is consumed in her scream, as if there are no longer 2000 (?) separate souls but one noosphere of souls united in some incorporeal way by her scream.
“AAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!”
None of that is simply HER scream any longer .
It is the SCREAMING OF THE WORLD.
Each soul is concentrated on its own burning item … my husband! my waf! my homosexuality! my inability to communicate, my self-hatred, my rush toward self-destruction, my craven fears and puling weaknesses, my imagined primordial horrors, my impotence, my premature ejaculation, my frigidity, my rigidity, my subservience, my laziness, alcoholism, major vices, minor vices, grim habits, twisted psyches, tortured soul.
Each unique item has been raised to a cosmic level of SIN and united with every other until there is but one piercing moment relevation an spirtual clarity followed by BLESSED RELEASE AND LIBERATION from SIN.
At last—a whole world of anguish set free by . . .
My hemorrhoids.
“Me, My Hemorrhoids, My Ministry.
This is what KSD was born to do.
YET ANOTHER TEDIOUS MOL CULT ESSAY
ME…..ME….ME….ME. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME.
—–A CONCISE SUMMARY OF THE GAWSPEL OF DOYLE.
And so it begins with a colorful descent down the rabbit hole……..
In the late 1970s and early 1980s, the “evangelicals’, the ‘charismatics’ rode the newly available Tee-Vee Technology and connected with people previously un-tapped by the community churches. The Internet was ‘supposed’ to be yet another revolution in proselytizing but the temptation to “cash in” on the money machine was just too big to resist.
We suggest that the “Internet Ministries” have not yet reached their full potential and that they —–like the 3D television we’ve been promised for decades—–may never actually do so.
But once the dreary little bastards and upstarts across the world started getting money , they did a truly astonishing thing (well, not REALLY all that astonishing) —they took the money and ran.
This caught Doyle’s attention.
The ‘modern day’ versions of circuit riding ‘preachers’ were relatively quickly awash in CASH. And Doyle——being a supreme intellectual and the World’s Smartest Man—- wanted to get some of that for himself.
Shortly after going into the media ”marketplace’, some realized that they had to do “something” to separate themselves in the ‘minds’ of the HERD.
If you were to succeed, you had to STAND OUT.
Those who had some ‘success’ did something only aristocrats and “great preachers/teachers/theologians'” —-the “religious bigshots”—– in the PAST were allowed to do.
It wasn’t enough to ‘preach the same tired, old-time religion. So after the grifters had (more or less) satiated themselves at the tithing trough, they realized they needed to “Update The Grift”.
Gazing around the landscape of contemporary ‘society’, some of the particularly larcenous ‘leaders’ discovered the pop-psychology trends of the times . In those years, it was ALL ABOUT “ME “.
YOU WANTED A SHOW? DOYLE GAVE YOU A SHOW.
For those unfortunates who lived through it, “Women’s Liberation” was a going thing in those days and it never went away. It neither failed not ‘succeeded’. (Similarly, “racism” will never be ended—because there is too much MONEY to be made beating that old horse. )
We suggest that the current iteration of “wimmen’s Lib” can be seen in the leftist ‘feminist’ movement. Now easy, ladies.
It was a “movement” that was rooted in the timeless and universal complaint of practically all First World wimmen :”I’M NOT HAPPY.”
(Being “happy” seems to be inversely correlated to material success. We see this on every college campus today. In a time and place where there is material prawsperity at a level never seen before IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND—-or womankind, whatever—-bitching, moaning, whining and complaining has reached an unprecedented level.
And there is no greater practitioner of that than the Apostle. Once you defeat an ‘enemy’ you have to declare victory and GO HOME.
Then—unless you find another JOB—– the only way to keep the grift going is to KEEP MANUFACTURING MORE SINS TO “FIGHT”.
There are few behaviors that many people find ‘more satisfying’ than when they focus on themselves and their own concerns. (This is nothing new).
“Am I happy?”
Well, I will be if I have a multimillion dollar bank account / retirement fund, a collection of designer handbags, A SPIFFY WARDROBE, a private jet, a private island, and a pill—paid for by the taxpayers—– that will make me look good naked.
And that’s just the MEN.
Oh, and free penile enlargements for everybody who wants one.
Life in contemporary America. YOU WILL NEVER STOP ‘SINNING”. YOU WILL NEVER BE “GOOD ENOUGH”.
The days of selfless, outgoing concern for others —-if it ever really was much of a ‘thing’——had basically gone away. And it began to SERIOUSLY fade at a time when Doyle was just ramping up his ‘ministry’. (We recall a best selling book by one “Robert Ringer” called, “Looking Out For #1”
The 80’s—-the decade in which Doyle gained some notoriety—were (later) described as the “ME DECADE”.
It was a cultural shift that had not been imagined by all the ‘best thinkers’ and ‘experts’. And yet, in hindsight, it seems SO INEVITABLE.
How could it have been “missed”?
Doyle had the sad fate to ‘come of age’ at the onset of the greatest age of individualism in American history.
The sheep were evolving into goats.
Although some could be manipulated (there always will be a FEW) , mostly people just held their noses and walked on by the Apostle.
They’d seen this grift before.
Doyle’s Great Epiphany —-well, that’s what he said/thought it was—-was that he finally realized what he was “meant to be” (a “preacher of the one, true gawspel”).
Sadly for him, his ‘relevation’ carried within it the seeds of its own destruction. After his followers indulged him in this delusion for a few years and had nothing to show for it, it all came crashing down.
THAT SHIP HAD SAILED.
Although he did not ‘realize’ it at the time, Doyle had missed the boat. Doyle’s boat left the port in about 1850.
All the rules are broken. “The law doesn’t apply to a righteous man”. Need money? No problem. Doyle no longer ‘worked for money’. “Gawd” provided for his “needs”. It was a ‘theology’ and ‘belief system’ that appealed to the avaricious part of all of us. All Doyle had to do was convince a few to hand their assets over to him.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Affinity_fraud
He actually accomplished this for a time by asserting his FALSE AUTHORITY. Doyle longed for the days when a theologically illiterate PLUMBER could succeed on the world stage as a ‘preacher’.
(SMITH COULDN’T READ UNTIL LATER IN HIS ‘MINISTRY’-—– and yet he would become a world-famous ‘preacher.’
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smith_Wigglesworth
But Doyle was late to the party and fell victim to his own deluded ‘beliefs’.
Tired of an old, annoying waf who wasn’t _________(fill in the blank) and who wasn’t that much impressed with his bulls**t (she knew him TOO WELL) , he just had to convince himself that “Gawd” had given him the “OK” to cut one out of his herd of followers.
Enter Lisa—who obviously had her own ‘issues’ and, apparently, a rather attractive @ss (Doyle has always been an “@ss-man”.) ———and the stage was set for one of the most entertaining ministerial collapses one could imagine.
It was a DRAMA that could not be imagined even by the honchos who run Netflix.
Doyle was able to KEEP his audience—– who financially supported him——- by CONVINCING them that THEY TOO would ‘share’ in his ‘reward’. In a nutshell, Doyle played upon the GREED and the solipsistic ignernce of those who bought his snake oil.
But underlying his spiel was his narcissism—-a mental disorder which would eventually bring him down.
The longer one listened to Doyle and his schtick, it became painfully clear that EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT DOYLE. Before he lost his ability to THINK and began flying on auto-pilot, Doyle was rather successful at convincing a few gullible souls that he’d had a “relevation” that no one else had had—-ever.
Eventually anyone could see that Doyle was caught up in a doom-loop of cognitive disconnect.
What Doyle —in his narcissism—-could not SEE was the fact that his whole WORLD had no basis in reality.
Doyle and his “relevation of the gawspel” made him eerily like those “expert physicians” of long ago who FIRMLY BELIEVED that they could ‘cure’ patients of all sorts of “EVIL SPIRTS” (diseases) if they simply cut open an artery and drained out a unit or two of ‘poisoned’ blood out of an already sick patient.
They had no understanding of PHYSIOLOGY. That some actually survived this practice (which made matters WORSE) is a testament to the strength and resilience of the human body —and NOT to the FALSE BELIEF in MAGICAL FIXES.
++++++++++++++++++++++++“Magic”, btw, is what fools think about events they DO NOT UNDERSTAND. (“Is There Not A Cause?”) Look close enough and you can see the hidden wires and the rabbit. What is ‘interesting’ is that there are those who—-even after they have seen the hidden bunny—- can convince themselves that there ‘really’ was no hidden bunny at all. ]
It must have been “magic”, after all.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Doyle’s “problem”—-like that of other grifter ‘religious authorities’——-is that sooner or later, the audience drifts away ONCE THEY KNOW HOW THE TRICK WORKS. Pulling the wool over the eyes of uneducated rubes in backwater areas of the world was a lot easier in the past—which is WHY the trick works on the ignert.
PROBLEMS ARISE AMONG THE ‘BELIEVERS’ WHEN THEY GLOM ONTO THE FACT THAT THINGS WHICH HAVE BEEN SEEN CANNOT EASILY BE UNSEEN.
The prophets, like the stage ‘magicians’ of old and, for example, more contemporaneously, the retail chain “Bed, Bath and Beyond” , are out of business—or “GOING out of business. The grift must ADAPT OR DIE.
BBB was not, we suppose, a grift (although it was rather overpriced, Our point is that it HAD TO ADAPT TO CHANGING ENVIRONMENTS.
One form prospers for a time and then dies. It’s the WAY OF THE WORLD. The human foibles—-greed, lust, etc.—-always raise their heads in a slightly different form. “Ministers” can bitch, moan, whine and complain about it until they are exhausted, but THERE IT IS.
The dinosaurs couldn’t adapt and they lumbered into oblivion. Only fossils made of stone remain as a pale imitation of the magnificent beasts who once ‘ruled the world’. Expecting their ‘resurrection’ —-made possible by high tech—– is a FANTASY, a FICTION.
It is entertaining, but it’s NOT REAL. (Hat tip to Spielberg and Crichton.)
Doyle found himself in his later years “ruling and reigning” over a ‘nation’ that, like the now extinct dinosaurs, only exists in his MIND and FANTASY.
So NOW WHAT?
Where the Third Great Awakening will lead—OR WHEN IT WILL GAIN SOME TRACTION—-—who can presume to say?
One only knows by studying HISTORICAL PRECENDENT (and not living in your own head) that the great religious waves have a momentum all their own.
They ebb and flow.
Neither arguments nor policies nor acts of self-appointed “apostles” have been any match for them in the past.
In starting his ‘church’, his ‘ministry’, Doyle bet on a long shot—-that a “Gawspel” based on “ME” would succeed where others have failed.
And it it worked—for a while ——because there ARE people who will ‘believe’ ANYTHING.
And everyone likes to ‘believe’ that they are SPECIAL and there is a LARGE portion of the population —-NO MATTER WHAT THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES—-who truly believe they are VICTIMS.
But was it, is it, REAL? Or was it the ‘betting’ equivalent of taking your life savings to a roulette wheel in Vegas and——having a bottomless supply of “faith”—- betting it all on ‘red’.
Doyle is so delusional that he ‘believes’ that when he endlessly talks about himself, he is “ministering what “Jeez” wants you to know.
And he wonders why his “Gawspel” has been rejected. Surely, those ignert unbelievers —-which is EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU must be PUNISHED.
Knowing in an up-close-and-personal way that Doyle’s days are fading RAPIDLY, KSD is now trying to recapture some of the old magic by branching out in her ‘new ministry’—–which is amazingly like what she learned at WOL CULT.
more mol cult satire. But IS it? Really”
THE WOL CULT NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
=======================================================
It’s a New Year, which means it’s time to make resolutions — even for prominent evangelical leaders—-as they promise to “do better”.
MOL CULT posed a question to the WOL CULT “Leadership” regarding what they hoped to accomplish in 2024.
Well, it appears they did a whip-around at the Cultshack. soliciting information about plans and ideas for 2024 and here is a “slightly edited” version of the “OFFICIAL ” response we received.
AI hopes to read the scriptures printed in RED LETTERS in the Bible for the first time ever and this time to SKIP the ‘begatting’ chapters because they get him too ‘excited’.
Failing that, in a probably futile attempt to impress Doyle, AI devoutly intends to finally cast out the demon that causes important calls to be dropped at just the wrong time on the Verizon network.
Also T-Mobile.
T-Bone—-still reigning as WOL CULT Treasurer (since her duties as Official WOL CULT Minister of the Dance have faded into nothingness)—–hopes to increase profits by 400% (It’s a GOAL, not a PROPHECY.)
KSD has set some real goals for herself and her “new” ministry in 2024. She is hard at work on a new inspirational “book” tentatively titled “The Purpose-Driven Life for Recovering Concubines”.
It is expected to hit the bookstores in late March in time for Mother’s Day gifting.
KSD also intends to move into merch sales at her meetings and is currently evaluating the possible ROI for a new line of sacred feminine moon crystals. Last year’s signature item for sale in her on-line store—-her seashell collection, personally picked up off the beach near Lake Michigan , then ‘blessed and anointed’ by herself—-did not perform quite as well as she’d hoped and is currently available for purchase on her website at deeply discounted prices, while supplies last.)
Apostle Gear intends to finally “get a handle on” his root beer addiction THIS YEAR and —–because Apostle Doyle already has “all the information he needs”—–plans to eventually stop “researching Granny Pirn” on the WOL CULT computer system.
This after numerous complaints about how difficult it was to “cast out” the viruses that infected the system. The evil viruses were only revealed after Apostles Kaspareit and Antknee were excommunicated and their search histories came to light.
As for the Apostle hisownself, Doyle —at long last— intends to finally memorize the 10 Commandments.
The Apostle also intends to cast the remaining horde of dragon-swine-cow-snake demons out of the lavatories in the CultShack, thereby bringing the building into compliance with the Texas State regulations governing safety of cult buildings and facilities.
In addition to these goals—-as if that isn’t a tall-enough order—-the Apostle has set a lofty goal of deceiving 15% more people than he did last year. In addition to this, the Apostle is hoping to finally convince 100% of the other denominations in Plan-Oh to question their ‘salvation’.
MOL CULT has it on good authority that one intended change at WOL CULT originally planned for the New Year has been put on indefinite ‘hold’ (i.e. —scrapped).
The Apostle was contemplating a new requirement to make the attendees all speak “in tongues” with a Scottish accent. However, early beta test results indicated that Wollers of “Not-American” ancestry were having great difficulty sounding intelligible.
Finally, Apostle Doyle announced in a late December Members Only webcast that he was declaring TOTAL VICTORY in his 2023 Resolution to make everyone who used to love him finally accept the fact that he’d gone completely, totally crazy.
more MOL CULT satire
CELEBRATING THE SEASON AT WOL CULT
DOYLE INITIATES A NEW MINISTRY TO THE NATIVES
U.S. — Sources at WOLCULT have informed MOL CULT that Apostle Doyle has commenced his annual celebration of the Kwanzaa season. Lily white Wollers from all over the world began wishing each other a happy Kwanzaa via the Apostolically – Approved method of communication—Facebook.
Wollers young and old gathered in cyberspace for a time of honoring the celebration of African-American culture, though sources confirmed they were having a tough time finding any actual African-Americans celebrating the holiday. “This is probably some demon’s fault,” as one elderly Woller put it.
“Happy Kwanzaa!” said Concubine KSD, to her group of friends as they gathered at 103rd and Central in South Bend for their traditional Kwanzaa gathering.
“I hope you all are having a, uh – furaha – Kwanzaa festival this winter season.”
KSD was reportedly non-plussed when her SB friends just stared at her.
When the eminent teacher informed them that “Furaha means ‘joyful’ in Swahili. I Googled it.”, the Congregants in South Bend returned the festive Kwanzaa greeting.
Later on, KSD drove the Apostle around Plan-oh as they went off in search of some black people to wish happy Kwanzaa to. Most of those they encountered were confused or responded with “Merry Christmas?”
Similar scenes played out all over Texas as the Wollers enjoyed their holiday tradition of pretending to be very accepting and diverse.
At the time this post is being made, the Apostle announced that, in his capacity of being the “Apostle To Africa”, he would be sending missionaries to Africa to spread the good news of Kwanzaa.
Apostle Steddie Muserera of Harare, Zimbabwe did not respond to inquiries from MOL CULT about this latest ministerial initiative by the Apostle of Plan-Oh although Former Apostle Bro Bomber, currently ministering in roadside stops all over the state of California responded in terminology typical of over-the-road truckers/evangelists: “Catch you on the flip-flop, Brother!”
HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND IT. HE’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT . HE’S INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING IT.
Saturday on FB:
“A person that I’ve taught, strengthened and prayed for their family since 1985, forsook me, and I don’t know where they are at.
God bless…..”
==========================
HQ COMMENTS:
People learned—–through bitter experience—- that the best way to “deal with Doyle” was to leave and NEVER LOOK BACK.
That is how one ‘deals’ with a MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. There really is NO OTHER WAY.
You will not ‘change his mind” or———really—–AFFECT HIM IN ANY WAY. That is how narcissists ARE. You can try to ‘cleanse a leopard’ as much as you want, but you will never be able to ‘change it’s spots’.
His ‘following’ is mostly gone now (except for a few of the truly damaged).
His feeble efforts to reconnect with those he used to know consists of posting some bulls**t on FB.
Everyone KNOWS that responding to Doyle is like responding to an old, crazy ex-girlfriend.
A simple expression of caring will result in her showing up at your door and loudly demanding to be let it.
This is why when amputating a limb, the best method is to do so quickly and cleanly. With luck and good follow-up care, the healing can begin.
We congratulate the person who “got away” and STAYED AWAY. Life is immeasurably better without Apostle Doyle in your life.
Grandpa uttereth:
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A person that I’ve taught, strengthened and prayed for their family since 1985, forsook me, and I don’t know where they are at.
God bless,
Doyle Davidson
Servant and apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ
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Surely not Mme Brown?
Let the speculation begin.
THE 2023 MOL CULT YEAR-END REVIEW OF WOL CULT
Well, that title is a bit misleading.
There was a time when we’d do a painfully comprehensive ‘review’ of Doyle’s antics over the previous year. But that was when Doyle actually HAD ‘antics’ to ‘report’ and comment on.
Those days are gone.
There are a few things “worth” mentioning, as of this date in 2023.
Doyle finally got fed up with ‘waiting for Gawd” to give him “new teeth”. He swallowed his pride and consulted a dentist. This started a cascade of events.
The dentist—-apparently a competent practitioner—-needed to have Doyle “MEDICALLY CLEARED’ for the procedure(s) before Doyle could undergo the surgical extractions.
Doyle had reported having a few episodes of “falling down” and—sure enough—-it was discovered that the Apostle had a condition known as a “Complete Heart Block” (Google it).
The treatment for this is a Pacemaker implantation.
Thanks to the Interventional Cardiology TEAM, Doyle had a pacemaker successfully implanted.
A pacemaker keeps the heart from STOPPING when the patient is having a ‘stressful’ surgical operation of another kind (such as extensive dental work).
During the course of his medical adventures with various Sorcerers and Witches, things went so well that Doyle finally agreed to have his umbilical hernia repaired.
With those repairs having been completed, Doyle underwent CATARACT SURGERY.
He could finally SEE after 10 years of being practically blind. He can now watch television and periodically regale the Wollers by READING ALOUD some scriptures to them.
It is painful to hear him do that because his ‘reading style’ is horrible. It is actually worse than it used to be.
Having nothing else to ‘offer’, Doyle has recently been reading parts of his old “books” to the listeners.
Doyle thinks this is ‘ministering to the unbelievers’ and he is quite proud of doing so.
His “books” date from decades ago. They were unlearned and ridiculous THEN and , in terms of ‘value’, have gained nothing over the years.
KSD is desperately trying to get some traction in a “new ministry” into which she hopes to move full-time after her days as Doyle’s concubine have ended.
Perhaps she could contact the Staton’s out in Colorado and work out some sort of ‘affiliation’. She and Lisa have so much in common.
On the upside, every ‘service’ of KSD’s in South Bend is greater and ‘more powerful’ than the last.
Here is an excerpt from KSD’s ‘update” of the September meeting:
“This September’s meeting in South Bend did not go as usual. God had a special purpose for this meeting, and the devil did his best to disrupt God’s plan, but he didn’t get it done!”
“We were moved to a different room, the set up and seats were different. Many of us had a difficult night. But that only makes us more determined! The praise was beautiful! We closed our eyes and got after it! Oh, not long after we started, I heard a tambourine, and it was anointed! Then the dancing, and shouting!”
ya-da, ya-da.
In November, KSD was back in SB. Here is an excerpt from the ‘update’ of that meeting:
“The message was one of faith to receive God’s promises……… The Lord healed several and I experienced a new thing. I was praying for one, casting out a spirit of rejection, when I could sense the Spirit of God flowing out from me to the whole room, delivering more than one.”
Actual DETAILS of these events are sketchy—-as they are limited to KSD’s version of events since NONE OF THE ATTENDEES seem to be sufficiently moved to share the glowrious happenings in the meetings with a world that is in desperate need of some “good news”.
We note that LEPROSY has come to the United States although the Wicked Sorcerers are baffled as to how this scourge is transmitted.
This seems like a Gawdly-Inspired event that is TAILOR MADE for KSD to do her stuff regarding “cleansing the leopards”—-which has long been a signature part of her “ministry”. If she applies herself, KSD could become known as the “Anthony Fauci of Leprosy”.
https://www.cnn.com/2023/08/01/health/leprosy-central-florida/index.html
You ignert unbelievers might want to know that leprosy—-also known as Hansen’s disease—– is caused by the bacteria (NOT A “DEVIL”) Mycobacterium leprae, which attacks nerves under the skin.
Scientists aren’t completely sure of how it spreads, but most believe that it’s transmitted via droplets when an infected person coughs and sneezes. Its telltale symptoms include lesions and rashes that are numb or lack sensation because of the involvement of nerves.
Nine-banded armadillos in the Southeastern United States can also carry the bacteria, and gene studies have linked human infections to the leprosy strains carried by armadillos, although it’s not always clear how humans encounter armadillo-carried bacteria.
Many patients can’t recall ever having contact with the animals.
About 34% of new cases between 2015 and 2020 didn’t have those traditional risk factors, according to the research letter. Instead, the people appear to have been infected locally, a finding that suggests that leprosy has become endemic in Florida, the letter says.
(“Endemic” simply means there are regular levels of a disease in a region but not that rates are climbing. Still, we believe this is a sign of the Impending End of Everything. Perhaps this calls for a Veterinarian to get things in hand if KSD cannot get the cleansing done.)
But we digress.
The other BIG EVENT of the Year at WOL CULT was the Failed Insurrection which resulted in the Excommunication of Apostles Reece and Kaspareit.
Doyle hasn’t been this p***ed off since Lisa refused to conceive Baby John Period.
After being let down by the departure of Bro Bomber, we were heartened by the appearance of AI (Apostle Ira) on the scene.
His tales of his dysfunctional family were offset somewhat by his stories of narrowly avoiding vehicular collisions on his way to work and stultifying tales of “ministering his Gawspel” to his hapless co-workers.
As we heard his “Johnny One-Note” stories, we became somewhat skeptical of his ability to head up Doyle’s cult when it became clear that driving a truck for Verizon and repairing cell-phone outages didn’t have quite the prestige of being a failed Veterinarian.
As the end of the year rolled around, AI’s contributions to the shows seems to have tapered off.
On occasion, the Apostle still demonstrates his “power” by sometimes standing up out of his chair for a few moments. The old ladies of the cult find this to be “powerful”.
Sadly, gone are the days when Doyle would say something.
What he would say was invariably INSANE, but it was SOMETHING and, on occasion, entertaining.
The current situation in Izrul has likely disrupted Doyle’s search for “new waf”—-who he hinted in the past—-would likely be a “Jewess”. Doyle rarely says anything these days about “Gawd” giving him a “new waf”.
T-Bone has also fallen off the radar at WOL CULT.
It is unclear WHY but the Fall of T-Bone has co-incided with the Rise of Nurse Hardeman—who appears to be doing great work in watching over the health of the aging Apostle.
So, the CULT sputters on—-coming in for a landing on fumes.,even as KSD racks up the frequent flyer miles.
We’re not sure what the New Year holds for Doyle and his flock—-but it is sure to be filled with ‘miracles’.
Which it will need to be because the Apostle INSISTS he’s not going to die.
Brethren, to keep you entertained throughout the remaining holidays, tune into Aunt Kathie’s latest video post on her FB page of the December South Bender service. She regales the throng with one fantastic story after another. Some are repeats with an additional embellishment here and there while others were new to this reporter’s ears. Regardless, they are indeed captivating, nonetheless. While AK may be dancing with the Garland group, methinks she’s in for the long haul with the Benders, that is if they can continue to afford her. One new revelation is that she shops at Macys.
Ruh -roh … Has Aunt Kathie given up on the South Benders or is she not interested in flying to the Snow Belt City in January? It can be, and often is, not a place you want to visit, no matter your loyalty to Notre Dame football. Sayeth her ladyship:
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Come join us!
Praise, testimonies, preaching of the gospel,
prayer for deliverance and the sick.
Saturday, January 13, 2024, 11:00-2:00 PM CT
Nu Life (D Boy) Ministries
901 Beltline Rd #108
Garland, Texas
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Probably a much nicer venue in January. Mark your calendar.
Here are some of the comments on the You-Tube page that had the “Heaven has a room full of sex toys” sermon” posted to it:
“I was playing with this band that was invited to go play for their service in Muskogee, OK at the civic center. I was about 21 at the time. When I got there, something felt a little off with the “service”. it felt programmed. As a matter of fact, the whole congregation seemed programmed. Why would they pack up everyone and come for sunday service in Oklahoma? It was rather odd. We did our songs and then we packed up and left. I was telling the others “this feels like a cult”.”
Other comments worthy of note:
“Wait let me get a pad and a pen. Ok, licking of the vulva is sin ,check. Opening of the lips to reveal the vaginal area is sin, check. This is great stuff.”
“What are these people thinking as they are looking at this man talk?”
“Wait. No closet full of sex toys in heaven ? I’m out.”
“This guy is in every bar I’ve ever been to”
“How drunk do you have to be for this to make sense ?”
“But how are we gonna keep the human race going?”
“Did I stumble on a Prager University video again?”
“Licking of the who now is what now?”
“Where does it say that oral sex and toys between man and wife are a sin? Poor Lisa.”
“I wish this passionate lunatic spoke English”
“This was the pastor of the women who cut the arms off her baby.”
“And “labia lips” is redundant. “Labia” is Latin for “lips”.”
“What are we looking at here? Dementia? Alzheimers? What is it??”
“Uh oh! If this guy is even 2% right, I’m in big, big, big trouble. … And I’m totally okay w/ that.”